I can’t take the hurdle of living a life. You’re fixed in a frame, slowly being unbecoming, moving to all directions only to find that that’s about it. There’s no future than the edge of a picture and you have to turn around, starting to do things all over again.
There is a pit I have grown to get attracted to; the intensity gets stronger every day. This pit locks me in its deepest place that only some interspersed tunnel can penetrate it. If you are accustomed to a state where hopes, desire, ethics, are out of the question, maybe you can bear an empathy for me. Surely, yes.
They only thing that keeps me entertained while being there is dream. It’s a gate that can take me anywhere I want, transcending me into a formless idea visiting dimensionless place. Time simply doesn’t exist. Have fun as long as you dare, no consequences are granted. Is it a manifestation of freedom?
Then when I wake up, I will laugh at how meaningless a life could turn out to be. How contrived.
Relationships are like blindly throwing a rubber ball to the wall and see if it comes back at you. Sometimes the ball doesn’t lose its kinetic energy and it keeps bouncing around, moving to every possible direction—this is when the magic happens, this is when we will never run out of topics to talk about.
It’s as simple as watching the way you giggle, in a very weird timing. Or noticing the transition of your breath and your heartbeat as you sleep calmly, or the way you try awkwardly not being the one who cuts off the conversation. Don’t make me start with the expression when you’re in awe, they can never stop putting a smile on my face.
Celine once said, “You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details.” It can’t be more true than that. I love noticing this tiny gesture that people make until they’re pretty much entitled to it in my mind. You with the way you blink, you with the way you close your eyes.
Enough with my obsession for people.
It’d been raining all day so it’s almost impossible to resist the temptation to cuddle in a comfortable sofa and listened to the sound of the rain. I was booked for a meeting on 4pm, an event I was about to miss had I not forcefully dragged my lazy body to the campus. For a split second, the sun came in through. It was too beautiful I could hardly drive my car properly. I was immersed in the moment, enjoying every detail of what I saw, of the magnificent creation in this world, thinking if I had to die today, at least I died in one of the most beautiful moments these stupid eyes had ever witnessed. It would perhaps be a perfect ending to a short bright life. But I didn’t, so I was the luckiest bastard to have the chance to experience it another day.
After the meeting, I got out and walked on some steep steps. It was quite already dark by then, but there’s this mysterious bluish hue in the air. And the way the air entered my body, invigorating every particle in it, made me feel alive. It’s like telling you to have a fresh start, to gnaw the wound to a horrible extent but then healed it completely. I was dissolving yet couldn’t be more compact at the same time.
There’s something exceptionally beautiful on the most minor things in life, and when you look closer, you will understand.
Sometimes it’s just easier to tell people what they want to hear, instead of trying too hard explaining a perversion. There’s no use to do that, they won’t listen. They’re too busy forcing their dogmatic thought into mine, thinking that I must be, at some point, giving up and accept the fact that they are, indeed, correct. So I feed their ego, I conform to their criterion, and all of that is just because.
I know exactly what I want and what prize I’m aiming for, and it’s maddening that people cannot accept that fact. Why are they so cynical towards everything?
Major downfall lies on my perception. I can no longer trust these people. No matter how kind, how caring, whatever they do, I’ll perceive it as some kind of tricks they use to get into my pants.
We lose each other in the process.
There’s a loneliness in beauty. There’s a beauty in loneliness.
And I can never understand why we should be ashamed when we are alone. It’s as if the world is too judgmental to tolerate people eating alone at the café. I experienced it today, the stares. They were secretly feeling envious because they couldn’t do the same thing, they wouldn’t embrace being alone. But they were also happy, relieved perhaps, because they could compare their life to mine and felt like theirs were much better, perfected by other people’s misery.
"Too bad, he’s got no friend." "What a pity." "Somebody please sit with him." I won’t feel bad if you don’t feel bad about me. I will actually feel bad about you for having no clue whatsoever about what’s actually happening.
Sadly, I wasn’t at all in misery. I was perfectly happy with the silence I had, something extremely precious these days when information was flooding into my head, a necessary pause to get me back into the game.
I have no care, not at the slightest, to what people think of me. They could talk about my awkwardness, my freakiness, spotting something a little bit too queer, so that they could feel better about themselves. I don’t mind, you may do it if you want to. You can freely expose anything most despicable off of me and I will be undisturbed as I’ve always been.
There are so many dramas in this world I can’t help but to get irked terribly. Why is it so hard to just live your life and stop screwing with people’s business? Does it make you much happier to know that other people fail at something?
Save your insecurity for your future problem, don’t spoil it all at once now to other people’s.
You know, I've been wondering lately. Do you know anyone who's in a happy relationship?
Uh, yeah, sure. I know happy couples. But I think they lie to each other.
Hmf. Yeah. People can lead their life as a lie. My grandmother, she was married to this man, and I always thought she had a very simple, uncomplicated love life. But she just confessed to me that she spent her whole life dreaming about another man she was always in love with. She just accepted her fate. It's so sad.
I guarantee you, it was better that way. If she'd ever got to know him, I'm sure he would have disappointed her eventually.
How do you know? You don't know them.
Yeah, I know, I know. It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality.